Enamel bedpan,
Window, nightstand, bed
2020/7/7
i have been a little out of the loop lately. i was feeling terrible for a while there but i'm a bit better.
first of all i'd like to say the site will probably be updated very soon, i just entered exam season so i'll put up stuff about diferential calculus, algorithms and data structures, digital systems and maybe more, i'm not sure yet. thanks for all the follows too. means a lot really.
i've been listening to Molchat Doma a lot. i don't want to admit it's because of tiktok but it was partially. i had already listened to some songs by them and really enjoyed Kletka and some others i found in a paylist of russian doomer music. these playlists are gold btw - highly recommend.
but today i'd like to talk about another song of theirs... Sudno. here are the lyrics:
❝
Enamel bedpan
Window, nightstand, and a bed
Life is hard and uncomfortable
But it's nice to die
Enamel bedpan
Window, nightstand, and a bed
Life is hard and uncomfortable
But it's nice to die
Water drips quietly from the faucet
And life, disheveled like a whore
Steps out from the fog
And sees a nightstand and a bed
And I try to prop myself up
I want to look into her eyes
Look her in the eye and fall to pieces
And never die, never die
Never die, never die, never die
❞
what most people don't know (or now they do because of tiktok) is that this is actually a poem by boris ryzhy:
boris ryzhy (8 September 1974 - 7 May 2001) was a russian poet and geologist who is considered to be one of the best poets of his generation. Through his short, poignant lyrics he crafted a persona of post-Soviet delinquency and despair. His own depression and addiction to alcohol figure prominently. He was from the intelligentsia class, and had an impressive education in geology and nuclear geophysics and published many scientific papers. his death was a sad consequence of his depression and substance abuse. he commited suicide in 2001 at the age of 26 in Sverdlovsk, now Yekaterinburg.
i don't know what else to say about this to be honest. i identify with what he wrote here, and a lot of his other works too. i'd gather most people who share his struggles might.
something about the monotony of depression, how facing the world everyday becomes more and more difficult, but you try and try and try... until you fall to pieces. how sometimes you are exhausted, so you just lie in your room, hearing the faucet drip and the fridge hum, feeling like shit, and you look to your side... Enamel bedpan, nightstand, Window, bed. that's all there is.
i think it's still a bit early here for me to talk about my own struggles with mental illness, but somehow, although the song is lonely, it brought me great comfort. oh... and i love sovietwave so that helps too i guess.
anyway, im feeling a bit better today, who knows tomorrow.
thanks for reading.