I've lost all of my pride I've been to Paradise and out the other side, I have so much to tell you, I know you want to hear it
2021/11/29

music suggested: I Won't Hurt You - The West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band

i've been gone for such a long time, and i'm so sorry.

other than dealing with health problems (i do be a spoonie, although i never liked that term) i've been dealing with my own personal demons

i'm drunk while writing this, so i'm sorry for any spelling mistakes. but i won't delete this, as i usually do with drunk messages i send. you see, i'm drunk for a very specific reason - i'm afraid. i'm scared,

i have a big midterm (as americans call it) coming up and i'm drining in hopes that my liver will process my anxiety away (i have GAD, but it is especially bad when it comes to academic achievements. it's funny, even ironic, for someone who's passion is mathmatics isn't it.....)

aside from that, it's midterm week so i'm super busy studying. you'd also think drinking impairs my studying abilities, howerver, because it somewhat takes my aniety away, it helps me study more eficiently, without being scared or crippled by my overthinking or panic attacks.

the cold hard truth is.... i relapsed. i had problems with alcohol 2 years ago for the exact same reason, and came off it cold turkey. but the stress made me go back, and while i'm here might as well make the best of it and use for the little good it can do, y'know....

moreover, my keyboard has been broken, but today, for some hardware overlord's reason, it's working so today i took the oppotinity to update this.

i dont have much more to say... i started a new medication for anxiety but the dose is too low and i have no idea how to say that to my doctor with out looking dumb. i also switched from cigarettes to IQOS because i do not wish to die at 35 - i've got things to do before then

nando (my cat) is living her best life. here is the queen, well fed and well loved:

there is a story about nando i'd love to tell, but i'll save that for another time.

i have a few show recomwndations: (maybe i should create a page for that???) i'd heavily recomend you to whatch Glória on netflix. It's the first portuguese netflix show, and it's about the role portugal played in the cold war. so if you are into espionage shows and all that, i'd heavily recommend it.

lastly, but not leat at all, i'd love to thank key's klubhouse for including my webgarden and teeny towers room in their pages here and here, and agora road's machintosh café for including my 88x31 button on their webring!

thnaks to everyone who had the patience to read through all of this nonsense, and have a wonderful day!

ps: i tried my best, and reviewed this 6 tims for spelling mistakes, with one eye closed, cuz otherwise..... disaster. thanks for reading. till next time.

10 things i learnt this semester (warning: emotional)
2021/6/28

2nd semester is coming to an and and i have a lot to say about it.

i am exhausted. i guess it started in the 1st semester where i had a few situations happen that were very difficult to deal with psychologically (i am still dealing with them), which caused me to be really behind on my college work. i was supposed to compensate this semester, but i was phisically and emotionally unable to.

this semester i also started my thesis, which was bad timing because i am definetly not in the right mindset to start it... and despite that, when my thesis advisor asked me if i was ok and ready to work, i said yes. he is someone i am terrified of disappointing and now i am on the verge of failing one of his classes.

i have tried to accept that what happened was not my fault and that, in fact, i do not deserve when people take advantage of me, but i struggle with that and i am still ashamed by all this.

i managed to pass my databases class, but i still struggled with my 0 energy to write my work reports. i'm planning on uploading the reports here but i am a little scared of uploading them. i will eventually, once i censor all identifiable information on them. during this summer, when i am over this year a lil bit more, i'll upload the rest of my work from past years as well. if you are looking forward to that, im sorry, just please be patient.

within the next month or so, i will have the chance to pass most of my classes through final exams, so i'm looking forward to that and i'll do my best even though i am terrified honestly.

now that we're over that... let's address this website.

i've been more active here - adding new pages such as the cleaning page and animal crossing page, working on a graphics page, and i also joined teeny towers and made a webgarden - because, for the past months, i really needed an outlet for my anxiety, and doing these kinds of projects really helps me channelling it into expressing myself and the things i love, or into creativity. so if you followed me thank you so much! i'd really encourage you to check out the community projects page! i am actually really proud of this one :)

i've seen so many amazing pages lately, especially yume nikki inspired sites. it's really cool, as someone who's loved the game since i fist played it back in 2007, that yume nikki still lives in the memories of so many people, even people much younger than me.

yume nikki meant a lot to me, especially after my 2nd play through years later, when i could understand much better what was going on (or speculate about it), and i nevet got over or forgot that. i am truly thankful to have experienced it, i don't think i'd be the person i am today otherwise.

anyway, my point is, curious timing for me finding all these yume nikki references everywhere...

these are bittersweet times. thank you for reading. have more interesting tales to come.

hello, again...
2021/4/26

hi... so i've been gone for a while.

i've mostly been focusing on college stuff and getting my degree, which has not been easy. recently i started work on my thesis about models and projections in hyperbolic geometry and so far it has been a fun topic to research and learn. i'm very excited about it!

also, i got a cat. it was an impulsive decision but she has been with me for 6 months and i care so much for her. meet nando :)

my life has changed a lot in the past few months and it has been very overwhelming, but it's good change. it's progress. i am kinda proud of myself, i've been working so hard this past year (and now i've also got someone by my side to be proud of me as well)

i took this opportunity to come here and update the site a bit and i added a new games page. i'm still looking for a viable way to host my college files for people to download, when that's done everything in my computer science page will be up. and thanks everyone for the new follows.

PS: in december i had to punch a dude in the face. so that was fun. storytime?

a slap on the wrist
2020/9/30

well, the semester didn't end too good... i «ended up missing almost all of my last week of exams... i doon't feel very bad about it though.

on the other and i visited my hometown which was great! saw my childhood friends and we even had a party. everytime i go back it's like all the bad things are emptied from me and a breath of fresh air finally fills my lungs.... i feel light and free... i am so happy there.

currently i set up shop at my mom's house in the city. i don't like it a here, but my bedroom is more comfy here than at my house at the moment, because of the move.

and just to better my stay... my book case fell on me. right on top of my wrist actually. it did some damage to the tendon and the muscle, some edema but fortunatly nothing is broken. i'm stuck with a wrist brace for the foreseeable future though.

anyway... classes have started, and i am in the process of fixing my sleeping schedule. i was in that phase of the depression cycle where you sleep 15h a day... oh well. next week classes resume as normal, on campus, with security measures of course. i am actually really excited for this semester and i ddin't expect to be. i guess that's good?

thanks for reading.

PS: added a lot of things to the site in the computer science section, maybe check it out.

PPS: yes i enjoyed editing the pictures of my mangled wrist.

coulda, woulda, shoulda
2020/7/11

something is coming.

something good.

something to fill the void

you left where you stood

it took all the strenght i could,

i placed my trust onto you.

they said you'd come through.

"let go of the lies, accept the truth"

i said i would,

but i still don't know

is this something we should?

or just something we owe?

Enamel bedpan, Window, nightstand, bed
2020/7/7

i have been a little out of the loop lately. i was feeling terrible for a while there but i'm a bit better.

first of all i'd like to say the site will probably be updated very soon, i just entered exam season so i'll put up stuff about diferential calculus, algorithms and data structures, digital systems and maybe more, i'm not sure yet. thanks for all the follows too. means a lot really.

i've been listening to Molchat Doma a lot. i don't want to admit it's because of tiktok but it was partially. i had already listened to some songs by them and really enjoyed Kletka and some others i found in a paylist of russian doomer music. these playlists are gold btw - highly recommend.

but today i'd like to talk about another song of theirs... Sudno. here are the lyrics:

❝

Enamel bedpan Window, nightstand, and a bed Life is hard and uncomfortable But it's nice to die Enamel bedpan Window, nightstand, and a bed Life is hard and uncomfortable But it's nice to die

Water drips quietly from the faucet And life, disheveled like a whore Steps out from the fog And sees a nightstand and a bed

And I try to prop myself up I want to look into her eyes Look her in the eye and fall to pieces And never die, never die Never die, never die, never die

❞

what most people don't know (or now they do because of tiktok) is that this is actually a poem by boris ryzhy:

boris ryzhy (8 September 1974 - 7 May 2001) was a russian poet and geologist who is considered to be one of the best poets of his generation. Through his short, poignant lyrics he crafted a persona of post-Soviet delinquency and despair. His own depression and addiction to alcohol figure prominently. He was from the intelligentsia class, and had an impressive education in geology and nuclear geophysics and published many scientific papers. his death was a sad consequence of his depression and substance abuse. he commited suicide in 2001 at the age of 26 in Sverdlovsk, now Yekaterinburg.

i don't know what else to say about this to be honest. i identify with what he wrote here, and a lot of his other works too. i'd gather most people who share his struggles might.

something about the monotony of depression, how facing the world everyday becomes more and more difficult, but you try and try and try... until you fall to pieces. how sometimes you are exhausted, so you just lie in your room, hearing the faucet drip and the fridge hum, feeling like shit, and you look to your side... Enamel bedpan, nightstand, Window, bed. that's all there is.

i think it's still a bit early here for me to talk about my own struggles with mental illness, but somehow, although the song is lonely, it brought me great comfort. oh... and i love sovietwave so that helps too i guess.

anyway, im feeling a bit better today, who knows tomorrow.

thanks for reading.